A Moment of Grace

The snow falls steady but quiet on the morning. I hear a faint shoosh of car tire's through slush in the street. I am in the back. My room overlooks the backyard, I see the barn-red garbage with big outward pulling doors, and beyond, the roof of the unfamiliar neighbor's roof, trees, and pieces of other houses.

I posted on Face Book just before, which is sometimes a forced, polite duty to acknowledge the thoughts and kindness of strangers. Down the corridor, though muffled, I hear my nephew's bright voice calling out, No school today!

The snow deadens the imposing sounds of the world, quiets the heart and mind, it allows my body to slow down, and my senses to open to possibilities of unbiased thought.

I think of the last three months, not just the end of a nearly four year relationship, but the possibilities offered by returning to home ground. Finally, I'm feeling grounded in mind and body after free-floating and falling in a state of anxiety for nearly two years. I felt truly cursed. It was a time of constant employment rejections, my skill-set diminishing along with my confidence. It was a time of Sisyphean climbs and slides; of interviews, scribbling pseudo-code and logic on blackboards in front of audiences who knew damned well, that no matter what, they weren't going to hire me, nor call me back to let me know they wouldn't be.

It tore me apart and tore me down. I was depressed and despondent. At times, I thought the Hamlet is-it-worth-it speech.  I could not be the partner, lover, boyfriend that's needed to keep a relationship going or afloat. I became bitter, angry with all around me. At times, I was hateful. There were days when even when the Sun shined, its light was a glint of nothing, a bloodied sword catching sunlight on a muddy Killing Field.

Outside, the snow falls, and my eyes are soothed by the white covering. I sip coffee from a white cup. My 10 pound Chihuahua, Pepito, sleeps under a white comforter. My Clothing Chest is white, so are the closet and bedroom doors. Even though the walls are painted a light beige-cream, my newly purchased lamp is white. Enough already... It's good to be home with a new sense of hope and peace...