The Mystery of it All

I knew my part in the break-up - I'd been depressed for over a year, and I just couldn't get my feet under me.

Yes, I was slipping and sliding down the slope of life. I was tired, despondent. I'd lost hope and purpose, and through it all, I couldn't land a job. I tried - a lot.

In 2012, I had approximately ten interviews, not to mention several technical phone screenings, and not one bloody job was to be had out of that lot. My confidence was shot, and I didn't know which way to turn. I was living off credit cards and borrowing money. She was supportive, but something was telling me that what she said was not the whole truth, just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, was the rest of the monster mass of frozen water, the kind the Titanic ran into.

I needed help, and I sought it. At first I went to a counselor for a scaled fee: 60.00 for an hour session. He was okay, but he was ten to fifteen years younger than me. Part of my affliction was dealing with Middle-Age, realizing, perhaps, that my career in Software Development was coming to a close. In my unemployment, I'd lost a step or two technically, and the gap seemed harder and harder to close. Also, I was not certain if it was truly the field for me. I am not a geek, more of a people person, and I'd been feeling like it was an ill-fit.

After four sessions and $260.00 more on my credit card, I decided the counseling sessions were an ill-fit. I told the counselor that I could no longer afford the sessions, and we ended our meetings.

I'm also an Alcoholic. I gave up drinking almost three years ago. Being booze-free has been a boon to me. I was a binge drinker, mostly drinking heavily when I was under lots of stress. My fear, when I stopped drinking, was that I was going to feel more anxious than I did when I drank. But much to my amazement, it had the opposite effect. For once in my life, the monkey was off my back, and I was happily learning to cope without alcohol.

Though, I was finding a reason for living through sobriety, the struggle to find work and all the fall-out from that was killing my self-worth. I was not pleasant to live with. I was angry and frustrated. Sometimes, I'd be short with her, and start arguments to relieve stress. Sometimes I'd lament that life was not worth living. I know it took a toll on her, but I needed someone to talk to, probably another counselor.

I met a man on Facebook. He took an interest in me - a rather keen interest, and showed it by posting hearts with arrows through them, airbrushed bouquets of flowers, and other slogans of endearment - the kind that are seen on Hallmark Cards on Valentine's Day. He posted these on my page. I thought it was sweet, but it made my girlfriend jealous.

I assured her our association was jovial and superficial, but she was not buying it. She once told me, "I know what you are capable of," meaning that I'm kinky, twisted, and would do anything to satisfy my libido, which is not quite true - close, but no cigars. She laid down the law, and told me that I was not to contact this man again.

By this time, our situation was getting more and more dire. We were starting to dislike lots of things about each other. At night we'd sit on opposite ends of the couch, barely speaking. Sometimes we were fine, but other times, the tension was palpable. Maybe I could have done more to mitigate the situation, but perhaps, it was just the natural course of things.

The next evening, I called my friend on the phone. He posted about it on Facebook. We spoke of he, my ex, and I getting together for dinner. I thought it was a great idea.

The next day, while at work, she discovered the post. I'd completely forgotten about it. She called me after she saw it. In a nutshell, she broke up with me. At the time, I was shocked, but now, it all seems so surrealistic. Did it really happen? Was our entire relationship just a dream? Once again, I'm brought back to something my father used to say. In the end, everything fades into mystery.