Normally, this is the season of nostalgia for me. It's a time of looking back, and remembering the warm, contemplative season of fun. It is back to school time. It is Labor Day time - the last hurrah of events and picnics. Weather-wise, things are changing. The Dog Days of heat and humid give way to less humidity and cooler nights. There is a definite feeling of change in the air, but not this year.
Like the last three or four days, today is not necessarily hot, but very humid. The air is thick and heavy with moisture. It is swampy, weighty, and when I walk, or even sit, I feel burdened. The discomforting air leads to discomforting thoughts. I think of my life, and the things that aren't clicking in it. Just when I think things are taking off, they crash, and I'm back to square one. I know I have much to offer, and things will change, but sitting in this humidity, I'm stifled by heavy thoughts.
I need a cool breeze, but for some reason, it is not blowing. I guess that's life - some good, some bad, some hot, some cold, but nothing ever stays the same, and if you just sit and wait for things to change, nothing will. On that note, I will get my ass out of this chair, go over to the window, open it, and wait for that cool breeze that I know is coming. It will come.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Colonel Kurtz must have worked in Software Development
The contract ended a couple of weeks ago. It was positive turnout, but there was no more work, and I found myself without a paycheck. That stressed me. Besides, what is my future in Software Development? Do I really want to continue in this field?
Yesterday, I drove to a local barbeque joint, applied, and was hired on the spot. I start a week from Tuesday, and I must say, it made me feel good. I will do it all - cook, clean, wait on customers, and I may even help the owner with his web site. The pay is far less than I'm used to, but I look forward to doing something different - something in the food service industry where personality does count. In Software Development it's all about the task. You can be the most dynamic person in the world, but if you aren't a nose down coder, it doesn't work. If you don't think like they do, they don't know what to do. They won't tell you because they can't - because they just don't know how to express themselves. Frankly, I'm sick of inexpressive, blase people.
I've forgotten what it's like to work at a job where a good line gets praise; where they actually appreciate a good joke, or say , he's good for morale, or dang, he's a nice guy. In Software, none of that matters. It's all about the code. The Code... The Code.... The Horror.... The Horror...
Yesterday, I drove to a local barbeque joint, applied, and was hired on the spot. I start a week from Tuesday, and I must say, it made me feel good. I will do it all - cook, clean, wait on customers, and I may even help the owner with his web site. The pay is far less than I'm used to, but I look forward to doing something different - something in the food service industry where personality does count. In Software Development it's all about the task. You can be the most dynamic person in the world, but if you aren't a nose down coder, it doesn't work. If you don't think like they do, they don't know what to do. They won't tell you because they can't - because they just don't know how to express themselves. Frankly, I'm sick of inexpressive, blase people.
I've forgotten what it's like to work at a job where a good line gets praise; where they actually appreciate a good joke, or say , he's good for morale, or dang, he's a nice guy. In Software, none of that matters. It's all about the code. The Code... The Code.... The Horror.... The Horror...
Saturday, August 10, 2013
You Cannot Pick Your Relatives.
Two years ago, when she came out to Seattle for a visit, she stayed the week, and we had lots of fun. We went out to dinner, made dinner at home with my ex, went for walks, went out for karaoke, and had some very nice talks. After she left, I said, wow, it seems like it's the start of a better and a closer relationship. I was pleased beyond compare.
Several days after she left, I called her on my cell, and left a message. Days passed but the message was not returned. People get busy, and forget about left messages - that must have been it, I thought. After several more days, I tried again, and the result was the same. It might have been a week later that I finally received a call from her. Nothing was said about not returning the calls, so I left it at that.
During the next few months, the patterned continued. I was confused. Didn't we have a great visit? Why the avoidance, why the silence? Was there something I was missing? Knowing how fragile our relationship had been in the past, I didn't want to push limits, so I held my questions.
After a couple of more calls and emails, I finally came to the conclusion that she wasn't interested in having a relationship. I was hurt, disappointed, and angry. I tried to be open-minded, realizing that part of the reason for the break-down was me - for what I did or didn't do in the past. That said, I also realized, that during the past few years, there had been no incidents between us. Things seemed friendlier, better. I easily recognized my misdoings in the past. What about her - could she forgive and see her part or lack of it? In the light of things beening benign between us in recent times, why act friendly in person, then disappear into silence?
Since moving to Connecticut, I've seen her on several occasions. On her visits, she can be quite friendly, but when she's back home, I never hear from her. At first, I called her, even talked to her. All seemed well, but then I realized that she and someone else in this house call each other practically everyday. Does she ever say, 'Hey, how's he doing' or 'Pass him the phone, I'd like to say hello?' Never.
Last time she visited, she greeted my with a big smile. "Hey, give me a hug," she said. I did, but it didn't feel quite right. During the visit, we talked a bit, but didn't hang out. I really didn't feel like reaching out. I didn't make any motions to do things with her, and neither did she with me. We spent a week together in what I'd call "Friendly Indifference." I remember little else about her visit, except for two comments. One happened when we were talking about the garden, which at time, was coming into its own, and was growing by leaps and bounds, producing a variety of vegetables. I must say, it looked fantastic. The only part of the garden that was lacking was a little patch of Basil, which I'd planted as an after-thought, and was being overwhelmed by Beetles. Of course, that's what she noticed, and said with a smirk, "How come the Basil's not doing well?" I said nothing.
The other comment, I let pass, too. We were sitting around the dinner table in the presence of friends. Dinner was been finished, and we were conversing over coffee. I don't know how we came to the subject, but family came up. In a flash, she turned to me, and said, "We can't pick them, can we, Monkey?" It took me by surprise. It wasn't until later that I wondered if it was a coincidence, or was it meant as a dig in the protection of company? In past times, I might have challenged her, and been drawn into an argument. I used to react badly, and say some awful things. I became labelled a hot head, and an angry guy. But those days are over. I said nothing in response because, what can you say, really? You certainly cannot pick your relatives. And by the way, Relative, the Basil has rebounded, and is doing fantastic.
Several days after she left, I called her on my cell, and left a message. Days passed but the message was not returned. People get busy, and forget about left messages - that must have been it, I thought. After several more days, I tried again, and the result was the same. It might have been a week later that I finally received a call from her. Nothing was said about not returning the calls, so I left it at that.
During the next few months, the patterned continued. I was confused. Didn't we have a great visit? Why the avoidance, why the silence? Was there something I was missing? Knowing how fragile our relationship had been in the past, I didn't want to push limits, so I held my questions.
After a couple of more calls and emails, I finally came to the conclusion that she wasn't interested in having a relationship. I was hurt, disappointed, and angry. I tried to be open-minded, realizing that part of the reason for the break-down was me - for what I did or didn't do in the past. That said, I also realized, that during the past few years, there had been no incidents between us. Things seemed friendlier, better. I easily recognized my misdoings in the past. What about her - could she forgive and see her part or lack of it? In the light of things beening benign between us in recent times, why act friendly in person, then disappear into silence?
Since moving to Connecticut, I've seen her on several occasions. On her visits, she can be quite friendly, but when she's back home, I never hear from her. At first, I called her, even talked to her. All seemed well, but then I realized that she and someone else in this house call each other practically everyday. Does she ever say, 'Hey, how's he doing' or 'Pass him the phone, I'd like to say hello?' Never.
Last time she visited, she greeted my with a big smile. "Hey, give me a hug," she said. I did, but it didn't feel quite right. During the visit, we talked a bit, but didn't hang out. I really didn't feel like reaching out. I didn't make any motions to do things with her, and neither did she with me. We spent a week together in what I'd call "Friendly Indifference." I remember little else about her visit, except for two comments. One happened when we were talking about the garden, which at time, was coming into its own, and was growing by leaps and bounds, producing a variety of vegetables. I must say, it looked fantastic. The only part of the garden that was lacking was a little patch of Basil, which I'd planted as an after-thought, and was being overwhelmed by Beetles. Of course, that's what she noticed, and said with a smirk, "How come the Basil's not doing well?" I said nothing.
The other comment, I let pass, too. We were sitting around the dinner table in the presence of friends. Dinner was been finished, and we were conversing over coffee. I don't know how we came to the subject, but family came up. In a flash, she turned to me, and said, "We can't pick them, can we, Monkey?" It took me by surprise. It wasn't until later that I wondered if it was a coincidence, or was it meant as a dig in the protection of company? In past times, I might have challenged her, and been drawn into an argument. I used to react badly, and say some awful things. I became labelled a hot head, and an angry guy. But those days are over. I said nothing in response because, what can you say, really? You certainly cannot pick your relatives. And by the way, Relative, the Basil has rebounded, and is doing fantastic.
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