Morning Blues

I finished my first week of my new contact, and it was as smooth as could be. Week one is always the honeymoon week. No day at a job is usually easier than the first or no week head-ache free as the first. Tomorrow starts week two, and the real work, though from what I've been briefed, the assignment is relatively easy. Even so, those little voices of doubt seems to rise up, and put a knot in my stomach and a freeze my heart. This is how I woke up this morning.

Remembering the past and bad times, I became stiff, and wished the sun would set, and night would fall. In stressful times, I hate the morning. I prefer seeing the sun sink below the horizon as it takes the worries and problems of the day with it. Morning represents rising up and facing those terrors. As I thought about this, I nearly had a stomach ache. I had to remind myself that this is a new contract, a new day, and the past is over. I thought of the Dog Whisperer and what he said about the subject. He said something to the effect of, what you experienced in the past is in the past, don't let it dictate to the present. I have to remind myself of this - too often I've let those little voices of doubt hand cuff me, and bring me down. In the end, nothing fruitful comes of it.

Instead of wasting the morning away, I got up, and got dressed. I'd love to live my life worry-free, but I know that isn't reality. I figure the best thing I can do is rise up and meet those challenges - that way I'll defeat the worry. Perhaps, little by little, I'll become so well practiced in the process that the process will over shadow the worry, and I'll actually see it as something joyful. That's my wish. That's my prayer. Today, I plan to enjoy a lovely walk. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow.

Happy Birthday

I'm sorry that I was not able to be more understanding, being related gets in the way. It's always easier to relate to and to forgive when it's not a family member. Why is that? Is it because familial love is supposed to be given, and nothing is expected back? I can't think straight - what kind of Love is that again? No matter, we often take family members for granted, especially today when everyone has a "dysfunctional" family. What a cliche. I'm sick of the term. Maybe as a society, we've been coming to terms with denials and lies that have infected the fabric of families, but like A.D.D things have gotten out of control. It's become a blanket term for people who are unwilling to take responsibility for their part or lack of taking part in family matters. That is why I'm saying, I acknowledge my responsibility for not being the most understanding or loving son that I could have been. We talked of trying to talk about the past to understand what happened or didn't. When we did, it often ended in more hurt feelings. I am tired or hurting and being hurt. I do not have to be right. I refuse to cling to the past. For a long time I did, and it almost destroyed me. I'm learning to let go, and take each day as it comes. It's very liberating, and I wish to continue on this path for I believe this is truly, living life. My wish is that you, too, let go of the past, and walk boldly through today and all the days to come. May this be your best year yet. I love you very much.

You are the Night

Tented under blanket
the wind blows.
We are impervious to far-flung flickers,
distant lights bobbing on black waters,
little boats buffet, blink, blink
like pin-prick winks.
It tastes of sweet-salt
neck, lips, cheek,
giggles,
dreams,
gliding fingers,
kisses like whispers.
Listen for foghorns,
hidden by the night
so slight, vaporous
lowing
on reality's edge.
Let be what be.
There is nothing
but you
while in my arms.

Love and Time

When we were young, there was no urgency of time. It seemed to flow like the tide of a river. Tomorrow was a series of mountain ranges and valleys to be traversed at leisure. Today I stand on top of one peak, and, in the distance, vaguely make out the end of my journey. I know what I like, and what I don't like. I know my limits. I know that a relationship isn't mine alone, it's shared. The other one and I have expectations, but modifications can be made. There is no do or die, but we know when things must end. We do not linger if all is lost. There is too much life to live, but life is not to be wasted - that is no longer our realm.

Learning to Love

I take the gift and run with it. Let it be for what it is. What if? What will be? Where do we go from here? We do not know. It is a journey of faith, which means losing control, and giving into the unknown.

In the past, I struggled with balance. How do I fuel the relationship without taking away from me? If I do not call or meet, will the other lose interest, and move on? I tried too hard to make things right. I did what I thought the other needed, and neglected my side of the story. In the end, those relationships fell to pieces anyways.

They say, take it slow. What does that really mean?  I think it means, if you feel like calling or meeting, do so, if you don't or have things that need taking care of, don't. I think it means trusting yourself and the other person enough to be able to have time together and time apart, and know that you will return to each other. It means being able to let go as well as say, I need you, I want you. This is a difficult lesson, but I'm learning.