Triumph

I was never a show-boater. I despised most show-boaters, those who'd say, "Hey, in your face - I'm Number 1." Perhaps it had to with growing up and hearing people like my Grandfather say, "If you do a good job, people will notice. You don't need to broadcast."

I grew up with a lack of self-esteem. I was rarely confident. On some occasions, just by the lucky fact that I did something that caught people's eyes, and they'd tell me so, I'd think, hey, maybe, I do do some things well. Well, maybe it wasn't that severe, but I do remember living under a certain cloud of doubt that I could rarely shake. Sometimes it held me back, and I didn't know if I'd ever shake it.

I also came to disdain Sloganeers, Hallmark Cards, bumper stickers, and other such things that promoted high self esteem, mostly because I never felt the sentiment. Stuff like "Be good to yourself, " or "You are the creator of your Universe," left me empty, largely because I thought they were bullshit, and people who wrote or printed them just said them to say something they thought others needed or wanted to hear.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of victory. Not major in the annals of Humankind, but my personal-kind. I could go on and give a blow by blow description of the events leading up to this work-related triumph, but I will just say, I came through in the clutch, and it put me on a path I am happy to be on. It's a feeling better than all those bumper stickers put together. It's not like I feel better than so and so or I've sprouted wings and will fly to the Sun. It's a sense of inner peace. The knowledge that I can cope, sustain, and live my life in spite of crap all around me. I really felt it, and there's no going back.