Deferring Gratification

Lost driving
on roads
that confused me.
At first,
nervous
of being late.
I was burdened by
projections,
but the beauty
of that wet, twisting meander,
cast away my blues.
Perhaps,
I should have
pulled over, and
given in to the spell
of dripping, orange Maples,
the sudden gleam on
dark blue asphalt
that disarmed me like
a quick, backwoods smile.
I nearly did.
I almost called out sick,
but I shrugged it off,
and promised the woods
I'd be back soon.

What is Real?

Close your
eyes
pretend
to be
someone
you don't
remember.
The truth
is fluid -
go with it.
You are the river
Lethe,
dreamy,
murky.
Float away
Realign yourself
in sensation.
In this moment,
things are cloudy,
unclear.
Did it really happen
that way
or
maybe
you wake to this
dream.

To sum up the months

I consider
the sunflowers,
stalks gnarled,
bulging flowers desiccated,
drooping downward
like a lover's head
just before
the fall.
I stare at this dying,
like my own,
it comes,
whether prepared or not.
But I feel no sadness.
I've made peace with
my days.
They've carried me,
buoyant, like a summer stream
to this point.
I revel
in the artful
chaos of undergrowth and vines,
the slow parade of clouds,
the mystery of cerulean blue
that drives me deeper
into the place
I wish to stay.
But I hear the sun
screaming my name,
your days are numbered,
and there's only time
to walk away.

Democratic Dysfunction

How do you sit together, and pretend everything is alright when so much has gone wrong? I suppose one has to pretend. That is the dynamic of the family. Some might call it acceptance. Is it?

What would those looking in from out see? Would the reality of some be shared by the unbiased observer? Why is my view different than the others? Am I wrong? Or is it that group consensus has deemed certain behaviors and beliefs to be true? Would the unbiased observer agree or not?

There was a time when families held together no matter what. Today, it just takes a dirty look to split them apart. What was once considered the way things had to be has been shot down by time. Some of those views were pure ignorance. Perhaps we don't need family like we used to... Perhaps the definition of family has changed... How much am I willing to give? How much will they concede to me? We shall see. Happy Easter.

Change is Coming

The week began with little fanfare. Monday was smooth and uneventful. Spring was slowly warming the air, pushing Crocuses and Daffodils up through the ground. The Maples started sporting tiny red buds. There were no shocking heat waves. Change was gradual. So when Tuesday came, I had no reason to believe my world would be turned on its head, but like anything of a surprise, it comes at you from the most unlikely angles, and often it's not until later that you realize something significant has happened.

Though four days have passed, and I have fully digested the impact of the conversation, when I think of it, I feel exhausted. I thought we were on better terms, but it's really not that way. In these circumstances, she holds the high ground, and believes that she has right on her side. Even while acting in an underhanded manner, she saw no wrong. Nothing I said would change that - not even when I shouted my points over the phone. In her mind, shouting is bad. Therefore, I had no leg to stand on.

For the rest of that day, a number of emotions swirled through me. I counted anger, sadness, the hurt of betrayal, and the exhaustion that comes with revelation. I had hoped we were coming to a common ground, but our conversation taught me that we were a universe apart.

As the day marched on, the negative emotions slowly evaporated. I felt no anger towards her. In the past, she might have been right, but this was now, and many things had changed, including me. Instead of feeling down and bad for myself, I felt a surge of confidence and renewal. It wasn't the wham-ka-pow of a comic book caption, but the gradual deadening of the wind after a storm. The damage had been done, but in the distance, clouds were blowing away, and the horizon was starting to be revealed.

On Watching "Bright Star"

The character portrayed in this film is an evenly balanced, thoughtful, and sensitive young man, not the tempestuous, feverish, burn-the-candle-at-both-ends figure I've come to believe John Keats was. Perhaps it's my lack of biographical knowledge that takes me by surprise me in this portrayal...

I almost forget that in days gone by, the word, spoken and written, was so cherished. It seems that people loved to gather in the evening after dinner to recite poetry, speeches, verses, as well as perform music or theatrical tidbits. I get it. There was no radio, television, or internet. The word was everything. Letters were the windows to the soul and far away places.

Today words are everywhere. Perhaps they are like tourist sights to those who are local residents. They are there, but in the course of the daily routine, are part of the background, noticed but not truly seen.

Winter

It's been an unusually severe winter in these parts. Southern Connecticut is not known for long bouts of cold and snow, but this year the ground has been blanketed in white for weeks. Most people despise it. They say, I can't wait for Spring, but I like it. It's a distraction. It puts a monkey wrench in life, throws the world on it's head. Going out in the frigid temperature gives people pause. You don't just open the door, and walk out. You must put on your coat, gloves, hat. If it has just snowed, you need to shovel a walk to the car. You have to brush the snow off the car, turn it on so that the inside is heated up to a cozy temperature. When you drive, you must slow down, and use more caution. Some people don't, but they pay the price. It makes people think, be more mindful of things around them. You can't escape it - that's the nature of Nature. People can't control it. It dictates to people. In a sense, it speaks. Hopefully, some will listen.